Murder by Moonlight (1989) – Nostalgia Central

This made-for-television movie from CBS is set in the future (2015), where, following a nuclear war on Earth, the United States and the Soviet Union have both established outposts on the Moon.

When the murder occurs of Jake Elazar, head of security for Cruz-McKinney mines (an American-owned operation leasing a base at Soviet-owned Lunar Site No. 3), both American and Soviet investigators are forced to work on the case together.

Because the murder took place on Soviet “soil”, the investigation is handled by KGB agent Major Kirilenko (Julian Sands). He is joined by his American counterpart, NASA investigator Lt. Maggie Bartok (Brigitte Nielsen).

The pair are absolute opposites. Bartok is rambunctious and intuitive, while the by-the-book Kirilenko is methodical and reserved.

Can a freewheeling American who doesn’t sound American find love with an arrogant Russian who sounds as if he took accent lessons from Boris and Natasha? You know it’s only a matter of time before they realise they’re crazy about each other.

You’ll also figure out vital clues and – if you can endure it long enough – the identity of the murderer long before they do.

It seems the late Jake was asking everyone on the base about their backgrounds – where they went to school, childhood memories, descriptions of their parents. Bartok and Kirilenko can’t quite fathom this.

Anyone who has ever seen a World War II prisoner-of-war film knows that Jake was trying to trip up a foreign agent posing as an American. Yet these two super sleuths are many moons behind the viewer in figuring this out.

It’s a rather flimsy vehicle for Nielsen, the Dane who co-starred with Arnold Schwarzenegger and was briefly married to Sylvester Stallone.

Her first appearance seems calculated to quickly sate the voyeurs, as she peels off her space suit to reveal a most revealing red-and-black strapless cocktail dress.

But her intriguing and commanding physical presence notwithstanding, Nielsen is a miserable actress.

Her mouth is pinched, her heavy-lidded eyes betray no emotion, and she mouths her lines as if sincerity were a sin.

There are more holes in the script than there are craters on the moon, and the lapses in logic are as laughable as the limp dialogue and the bargain-basement miniature sets.

The technical aspects are atrocious. In one scene, the murderer is visible in the reflection of a viewing screen, and a moon vehicle crawling along the lunar landscape looks like a motorised Tonka toy.

Lt. Maggie Bartok
Brigitte Nielsen
Maj. Stepan Gregorivitj Kirilenko
Julian Sands
Dennis Huff
Gerald McRaney
Louise Mackey
Jane Lapotaire
Colonel Voronov
Brian Cox
Dr Isabelle Klein
Alphonsia Emmanuel
Patsy Diehl
Celia Imrie
Gary Chang
David Yip
Vince Ivanov
Michael Shannon
Contarini
Stuart Milligan
Kevin Faber
Stephen Jenn
Allison Quinney
Georgina Hale
Alvarado
Ricco Ross
Dr Trifonov
Berwick Kaler
Captain Yevgeny Sorokin
Tomasz Borkowy (Tomek Bork)

Director
Michael Lindsay-Hogg

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