Desperate Teenage Lovedolls (1984) – Nostalgia Central

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In a scene of no values . . . Where climbing to the top means climbing into bed . . . Where drugs and cheap thrills fill the date book . . . Where rock n’ roll means death and destruction . . .

Incredibly cheap and amateurish in every regard (the movie was shot on Super 8 film, which was processed at Thrifty Mart), this underground trash classic charts the rise and fall of an all-girl punk rock band – The Lovedolls – in Hollywood in the 1980s.

A brassy teenage girl named Kitty Carryall (Jennifer Schwartz) and her friend Bunny Tremolo (Hilary Rubens) have been playing guitar together in Kitty’s basement for months, writing songs and dreaming of being rock stars.

When their friend Alexandria (the enigmatic Kim Pilkington) breaks out of the mental hospital to which her parents have committed her, and comes to hide out at Kitty’s place, a fight ensues between Kitty and her mother (played by Jennifer Schwartz’s brother, Jordan) and Kitty, Bunny, and Alexandria decide to run away together.

Alexandria becomes a junkie, and the two remaining girls wander the streets of Los Angeles, committing petty crimes for pocket money until finally they steal an acoustic guitar from another street kid and become annoying street musicians.

While putting up flyers advertising for a drummer, the duo fall foul of an all-girl gang called the She-Devils – led by the spiteful and venomous Tanya Hearst (the splendidly snarky Tracy Lea) – who mistake the Lovedolls for a rival gang.

Kitty also bumps into her mother, who has been looking for her all over LA. When Mom chases her daughter across the park, they encounter a group of homeless punk kids, who – eager to defend one of “their own” from a seemingly hostile adult – end up killing Kitty’s mom.

In a classic case of every cloud having a silver lining, one of the street kids – a feisty girl named Patch Kelly (Janet Housden) – turns out to be a drummer and the Lovedolls are a real band at last.

The girls’ rise to stardom is preposterously meteoric. One of their street “performances” attracts the attention of a smarmy A&R man from Capitol Records, by the name of Johnny Tramaine (played by Redd Kross bassist Steve McDonald), who promises to make big stars of the Lovedolls (though Bunny must pay with her body for his generosity).

Soon, the Teenage Lovedolls are the biggest names in the LA punk scene and are enjoying huge crossover success in the mainstream market.

Eventually deciding that Tramaine has outlived his usefulness, they spike his drink with an entire vial of liquid LSD, and he leaps to his death from the roof of his apartment building, convinced that he can fly.

Soon enough, the band is on the way down. First, the She-Devils attempt to kill Kitty, but the assassination attempt backfires, and Kitty manages to stab and kill Tanya instead.

The surviving She-Devils eventually take their revenge and shoot Bunny dead in a park. The Lovedolls are no more, and Kitty winds up a drunken bum on the streets of Los Angeles, forgotten by everyone but a guitar-strumming Hare Krishna (Nick Delany) who tries to sell her a flower just moments before the closing credits.

Future Bangles guitarist Vicki Peterson appears briefly as a ‘Hippie Mob Killer’.

The soundtrack features artists including Redd Kross, White Flag, and Nip Drivers.

The Lovedolls returned in the 1986 sequel Lovedolls Superstar, with Patch becoming ‘Patch Christ’, the leader of an acid-damaged religious cult who rescue Kitty Carryall from a boozy, wasted life. Jello Biafra from The Dead Kennedys appears as the President of the United States!

“Thanks for killing my mom”.

Kitty Carryall
Jennifer Schwartz
Bunny Tremelo
Hilary Rubens
Patch Kelly
Janet Housden
Alexandria
Kim Pilkington
Johnny Tramaine
Steve McDonald
Tanya Hearst
Tracy Marshak-Nash (as Tracy Lea)
Matt
Michael F. Glass
Tears Brunell
Jeff McDonald
Doctor/Kitty’s mother
Jordan Schwartz
Flaco
Dez Cadena
The She Devils
Pam Douglas
Cathy Sample
Stephanie Shaw
Annette Zilinskas
Medusa
Teri Star
Dope Pusher
Phil Newman
KMET DJ
Justin Thyme
KXLU DJ
Stella Voce
Hare Krishna
Nick Delany
Hippie Mob Killer
Vicki Peterson
Hippie Mob Killer
Kurt Schellenbach
Hippie Mob Killer
Mike Webber
Tramaine’s assistant
Ted Abbot