Roller Blade (1985) – Nostalgia Central

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“Go forth and skate the path of righteousness!”

Set in a post-apocalyptic future in the City of Lost Angels, Mother Speed (Katina Garner) is the head of a holy order of switchblade-packing, rollerskating nuns – the Holy Rollers – who worship 1970s Smiley Faces and try to protect humanity from the evil warlord Dr Saticoy (Robby Taylor).

Mother Speed spouts cod-biblical prose and rolls around in a wheelchair, yet she still has her skates on ( just in case her legs suddenly start working again, perhaps).

Sister Sharon Cross (Suzanne Solari) – a noble and courageous young woman frequently seen in a G- string- leads the nuns (who wear red Klan-like hoods adorned with Iron Crosses – when they’re not running around naked),

It will come as little surprise that the majority of the Sisters are played by well-known adult actresses.

For some reason, though, one of the head nuns is an *actual* dog named “the Holy Hound Gideon”.

The sisters have a sacred power crystal that the bad guy wants, and he’s possessed a young girl (Shaun Michelle) to infiltrate the skating nuns.

Dr Saticoy wears a leather dom mask, speaks to his followers through a vacuum cleaner hose, and talks to a sentient hand puppet made from a rubber Halloween mask with glued-on baby doll arms, which he calls Baby Saticoy.

In one memorable scene, the puppet baby strips a layer of aluminium foil off a bound and suspended woman (Melanie Scott, billed here as Melissa Christian) and gums her nipple . . .

There’s also a group of skating law enforcement officers led by Marshall Goodman (Jeff Hutchinson), whose son Little Chris (played by Fred Olen Ray’s young son, Christopher) runs away without his skates, disobeying the #1 rule in this wasteland. Skate or die!

It’s a terrible movie from soup to nuts: the acting is routinely dire, the dialogue is awful, and most of the cast are (poorly) dubbed.

But if naked rollerskate fights and gratuitous sapphic interludes in a hot tub do it for you, this could well be the film you’ve been looking for your whole life

You could also keep a copy on hand so that when your friends start talking about the worst film they ever saw, you can nonchalantly say “hold my drink”, and bust out Roller Blade.

NB: There are no actual roller blades in the film. The “blade” in the title refers to the knives carried by the Sisters.

Mother Speed
Katina Garner
Sister Sharon Cross
Suzanne Solari
Marshall Goodman/The Wong Ryder/Samurai Devil/Three Wise Guys/Spikers
Jeff Hutchinson
Chris Goodman
Christopher Ray
Hunter/Sister Fortune
Shaun Michelle
Waco/Samurai devil
Sam Mann
Doctor Saticoy/Deputy Samuel
Robby Taylor
‘Skate Or Die’ Traitor
Michael Cofield
Deputy Phat
Pat McClung
Deputy Phat (voice)
Brian Chin
The Three Wise Guys
Gerald Morrison
Scott Davis
Willy Huggins
Spikers
Ilija Gruenwald
Joel Shawn Lucero
Reed McCarty
Sister Hart
Elaine Edford
Sister Valjean
Ildikó Tóth
Sister Fargo
Sandee Cole
Combat sisters
Leslie Anne Marcucella
Kim Zanetis
Terri Cameron
Robin Schell
Erika Kaufman
Karate Minions
The Flying Sergio Brothers
Bod Sisters
Michelle Bauer
Barbara Peckinpaugh
Crystal Breeze (as Lisa Marie)
Hunter/Sister Fortune (voice)
Diane Michelle (as Muriel Fargo)
Doctor Saticoy (voice)/Baby Saticoy (voice)
Jameseric Mandell
Baby Saticoy’s ‘toy’
Melanie Scott (as Melissa Christian)
Waco/Three Wise Guys, Spikers (voice)
Mike Rafone
Sister Sharon Cross/Mother Speed/Chris Goodman (voice)
Margaret Alice Cook
Deputy Samuel/Samurai Devils/Wong Ryder/Three Wise Guys/Spikers (voice)
Thom Leone Furie
Holy Hound Gideon
Baher